2006

2006 - i can only divide it into 4 parts for the 4 seasons:

Jan - Mar : I started the year 2006 in Singapore with dad, mum, the kids and my brother. Jem and Theo celebrated their birthdays together because their birthdays in the different calendars coincided on the same day. I saw dad.

Apr - Jun : I ended this part of the season by returning to Singapore early June to celebrate mum's 70th birthday (and again with mum's and mine birthday coinciding on the same day in the different calendars) and spent time with my mum and dad during that precious 8 days I had. I saw dad.

Jul - Sep: I returned to Singapore towards the end of this season when dad suffered that fatal stroke. I saw dad although he was unconscious.

Oct - Dec : The last part of the year was spent in Singapore with dad leaving us towards the end. I saw dad and on 4 Dec, he was gone.

This was my year 2006. This is how I can conclude this year. I conclude this year with the loss of someone so close yet so distant through his hidden love for us.

In his wallet, he had his Identity Card, beneath his IC, was my brother's name card. On the other side of the wallet was 2 more pieces of again Jem's namecards, one with our current address written behind it and the other one, he scribbled with his handwriting "SL Tan" at the back of it. It was my name. He wanted to bless us by carrying our names around I guess. His love for us was not expressed verbally nor did he expressed physically by means of hugs and kisses. He seldom spoke. We could not understand what and how he thinks. But I guess through these, he showed that despite what he had gone through in his life, he had gone through it for the sake of us, his kids. although there were many times we were mean to him, rude to him, disrespected him. selfless unconditional love of a man who was a good man who had all his life caught in between the lives of his parents and that of his wife and kids. And when he geared towards my grandparents, he neglected us and had affected us as a result. I dont know if I can blame him at all. Many times I did. I guess he didnt have a choice. I dont know.

Goodbye 2006. I guess I do not have much good memories to bring along with me this year. May 2007 heralds a good start.

In Memory of Father this Christmas 2006

song chosen by Jem
video done by myself

December

December is normally the month I favour most amongst the other months in Singapore. Maybe it is because Christmas falls on this month, but more so because this is generally the more cooler time in hot humid Singapore. The winds maybe not be wintry cold, but it lends a wintry feel to it with a dash of coolness in it, so to speak. The temperature still hovers around the high twenties to even the low thirties, but there are days when temperature is only 24- 25 degrees celcius indoors or at night. That I have to sleep with a blanket and without the air-conditioner.

However this is year is different. December brings to me a sense of void and emptiness - that dad is longer with us. Thus Christmas feels different too, not that we celebrate Christmas with my parents all these while, for they were not Christians, not until my father accepted the Lord while he was in ICU and not until my mum re-dedicated herself to the Lord during father''s wake.

Christmas time is about giving - all my years I have been giving - with whatever money I had, I would buy mum the washing machine, cooking pots and sets, to buy my brother his fav item for his christmas and his birthdays , buy my family their favourite food, buy my then bf the best gift i could ever afford etc etc. We have been told to be hospitable, (with kindness and warmth) , and therefore opened up my house to overseas visitors when they visited Melbourne, to friends over for meals. Giving is better than receiving we were told. Sometimes, when we give so much away, give, give and give BUT you dont receive. Know what, sometimes, you feel good to receive as well. That we have been taken for a ride. That we have been taken for granted. Things cannot merely be one-sided. And when some gets calculative about how much they should contribute and give. It gets all too much to bear.

Is Christmas all about giving?

golden advice

the last advice said to me when father and I went back to 21 SMR, during the CNY period in Feb this year, was this "You are truly successful only through own efforts rather than through inheritance, greed or worse, deceit."

it will be deeply etched into my mind for the rest of my life.

a week

to set the record straight - father's bday falls on 21 Nov and he was born in the year 1933. his passed away on 4 December 2006. he was 73 years old.

it's been week exactly since his body was cremated at Mandai Crematorium. it was a heart wrenching moment to see your own father being pushed into the burning furnace without having any more chance to see his physical body now.

the after trauma lingers on deep within me. did i not do enough in his living years? i neglected him esp his health. i didnt know i miss him so so much. it was only in the past 5 years he had been liberated from his duty as a filial son to grandma. it was only in the past few years he had the opportunity to travel to Japan for Jem's graduation, to Melbourne to visit us and then to Perth to visit my aunt & family, to China for a holiday, to HK with us to visit my in-laws. His wish to visit BKK has not been fulfilled. why cant he live for another 5 years. i dont ask for more - just 5 more years. why? why did he have to go when he was showing signs of recovery? we were pinning our hopes for him to recover completely and then i will bring him to BKK for a holiday. he's been wanting to visit Thailand coz grandpa settled in Thailand from China before migrating further south to Singapore. I know we have some relations in Phuket - from the same family village in Fujian, China.

i didnt expect the last time to see him alive and conscious was during my trip back in June. if i had known then, i would have simply just extended my stay further in spite of hubba's objection and booked a short trip to Thailand and myself. if only i was sensitive to my spirit.

this whole year there has been a lingering feeling, almost ominous, that i wanted more time to spend with mum and dad. which explians why i didnt wanna retun to Melbourne. which explains why i wanted a trip badly back to Singapore in June and another one in December.

there were many times, my spirit told me to say goodbye to dad, to talk to him, to hug him, to show concern for him etc but i neglected most of it. not being sensitive.

i didnt know it was gonna be dad. mum has existing health conditions. i focused on her so much i neglected him. why does things work the other way round? is there an answer to all these? why? why? why? i kept asking myself.

i didnt show enough respect to him. he was a good man. with a good heart. but a man of few words. and so soft he gets trampled all over by others. often misunderstood by others including us. even when he did try to utter something to us the few times we visited him prior to him passing away, he was mumbling sans his voice due to the tracheostomy. we couldnt even hear what he wanted to tell us.

i need answers. i want to know why. i will not give up. i dont undertand how this whole universe works. but i want to know more. why some got healed but why not my father? why? why? why?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Dad is with Jesus now

It is with a heavy heart that I write about my dad's passing away this morning at the nursing home despite him showing signs of his recovery and consciousness.

But I have an assurance that Jesus forgave him of his sins and that Jesus loves him very much during last Thursday's healing session at Bethesda cathedral. This by itself, is the greatest comfort to hear.

Our life on earth is only temporary. Life with Jesus is eternal. and bliss.

I will miss you dad. We will see you in heaven one day.