a week

to set the record straight - father's bday falls on 21 Nov and he was born in the year 1933. his passed away on 4 December 2006. he was 73 years old.

it's been week exactly since his body was cremated at Mandai Crematorium. it was a heart wrenching moment to see your own father being pushed into the burning furnace without having any more chance to see his physical body now.

the after trauma lingers on deep within me. did i not do enough in his living years? i neglected him esp his health. i didnt know i miss him so so much. it was only in the past 5 years he had been liberated from his duty as a filial son to grandma. it was only in the past few years he had the opportunity to travel to Japan for Jem's graduation, to Melbourne to visit us and then to Perth to visit my aunt & family, to China for a holiday, to HK with us to visit my in-laws. His wish to visit BKK has not been fulfilled. why cant he live for another 5 years. i dont ask for more - just 5 more years. why? why did he have to go when he was showing signs of recovery? we were pinning our hopes for him to recover completely and then i will bring him to BKK for a holiday. he's been wanting to visit Thailand coz grandpa settled in Thailand from China before migrating further south to Singapore. I know we have some relations in Phuket - from the same family village in Fujian, China.

i didnt expect the last time to see him alive and conscious was during my trip back in June. if i had known then, i would have simply just extended my stay further in spite of hubba's objection and booked a short trip to Thailand and myself. if only i was sensitive to my spirit.

this whole year there has been a lingering feeling, almost ominous, that i wanted more time to spend with mum and dad. which explians why i didnt wanna retun to Melbourne. which explains why i wanted a trip badly back to Singapore in June and another one in December.

there were many times, my spirit told me to say goodbye to dad, to talk to him, to hug him, to show concern for him etc but i neglected most of it. not being sensitive.

i didnt know it was gonna be dad. mum has existing health conditions. i focused on her so much i neglected him. why does things work the other way round? is there an answer to all these? why? why? why? i kept asking myself.

i didnt show enough respect to him. he was a good man. with a good heart. but a man of few words. and so soft he gets trampled all over by others. often misunderstood by others including us. even when he did try to utter something to us the few times we visited him prior to him passing away, he was mumbling sans his voice due to the tracheostomy. we couldnt even hear what he wanted to tell us.

i need answers. i want to know why. i will not give up. i dont undertand how this whole universe works. but i want to know more. why some got healed but why not my father? why? why? why?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????